WEBVTT

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PHIL: Finally.

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FEMALE SPEAKER: MIT grad
student, food lover, fitness

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enthusiast, literature buff,
organic chemist by day, super

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hero by night.

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PHIL: Soon as my mother had
me, I was ready to go.

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Came out of there, running
and jumping.

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I haven't chewed gum since
I'm a role model.

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What's that stupid train
in Harry Potter?

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FEMALE SPEAKER: Hogwarts
Express.

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PHIL: It's a Hogwarts Express.

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I just took my sweatshirt off
and it cut my forehead.

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I found the photo of
Natalie Portman.

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FEMALE SPEAKER: I think
Phil is weird.

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PHIL: You know that Paula Deen
was married to James Dean.

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FEMALE SPEAKER: What?

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PHIL: A lot of people
don't know that.

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You know what my favorite
dance move is?

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Slapping people with my tie.

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This is my hood.

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Don't take my advice.

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IKE: I want to take it.

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PHIL: I'm going to sign up
for ChristianMingle.com.

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The commercial says, find
God's match for you on

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ChristianMingle.com or at
Starbucks like every other

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self-respecting American.

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MALE SPEAKER: Did you seriously
just end your

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sentence with a preposition?

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PHIL: I can't talk about
my personal life in

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front of the students.

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MALE SPEAKER: I love
you, Phil.

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MALE SPEAKER: We
love you, Phil.

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PHIL: OK.

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PHIL: Tom Cruise says I'm
silently judging you.

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There's a girl that was picking
on me at school, and

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on the way to school I remember
trying to make up my

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mind as to whether I was going
to stick my tongue out at her

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or hit her with my bag.

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I never felt so close to dying
in my entire life.

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MALE SPEAKER: It's
a sticky bun.

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PHIL: I can't.

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I really can't

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[MUSIC PLAYING]